We'll Stand by The Stately Homes of England- Noel Coward

 Continued
Hello Ladies and Gentlemen. I am your upstairs guide and will take you through the last part of the house. If you have not been paying attention, then please descend the stairs and start again..here 
for part two and here
for part one.

We have now reached The Upper Hall via the Short Gallery. Here is displayed the only modern piece of art work in Newstead Manor.
This was painted by the wife of the present Earl’s Grandfather, the Losing Duke ( he lost the Dukedom and a lot of other things- especially his glasses. ). He was an inveterate gambler and one night,wagered Newstead Manor, on the turn of a card  He lost. But, as his wife was spying on him though a hole in the floor, ( the manor was in a pretty dire state by then ), she managed to retrieve his IOU and save the manor. His 'punishment' was to have her ‘modern artwork’ displayed around the house. Sadly ( or not ) only this one remains. It is  an oil painting of the path under the White Horse at Uffington*1Berkshire where the Losing Duke met his end. He lost his seat. Yes...it was from a white horse.

The jewellery box is made from the Thuya root - an exotic North African wood. It contains no jewellery of any note ;) Take note burglars!

Turning left, we enter the master Bedroom. This is a study in blue and cream and was first created by the wife of the third Earl in the early 18th century. The mirror, chair and pelmet were all created by Grinning Baboon ( see previous post ) on his days off.

Lady Emulsion, wife of the fourth Earl, painted these pieces cream with blue scumbling and added gilded touches. She was a gifted amateur painter and painted the Toile de Jouy *2 scenes all around the walls. She didn’t paint the whole wall, she had sixteen children instead.

The chandelier is modern and is based on a Venetian one. British Home Stores in Little Venice in London.

The fitted wardrobes were added in the late 18th century by Chippendale Newstead. Lady Emulsion was long dead by then so she never got her brush to them. It’s interesting to speculate what she might have done had she lived to be over two hundred.
At the base you can see two small depressions in the carpet. This is where the 1920 attack of carpet beetle revealed the heretofore unknown priest's hole*3 in the bedroom floor. The space is very tiny indeed. The Newsteads of the 16th century were a fairly unruly lot. They had no truck with priests of any denomination and would dispose of them...forever.... under the bedroom floor. They still do- if any of them come calling. ;)

     Actually - the space left by the old wardrobe and we haven't got round yet to doing the carpet.

The two candlesticks are English, and Derby porcelain c. 1800, the two cherub corbels are Chinese and resin c. 2000.

The collection of white Parian*4 ware jugs above the bed are the collection of the wife of the of the eighth Earl. In her lifetime her jugs were much admired. ;)

                                                    Parian ware jugs by Portmeirien

On the window ledge can be seen Lady Inebriana’s, wife of the seventh Earl, collection of pill boxes. Most are Limoges, Minton or Coalport. Others are by that famous maker Charity shop. In these she used to keep her Liver pills;
her headache pills, her vertigo pills, her hair of the dog pills, and her “ I’m definitely giving it up” pills.

The Three Toile pictures were acquired by the present Lady Newstead from Oxford Market. They show the process of making wine; piling up the raw material; treading the grapes and then getting drunk. Appropriate for the boudoir of Lady Inebriana. The frames are all 19th century. They are restored with emulsion paint and gilt cream. But not water glided. ( See previous post ).

The chest on chest is 19th century walnut and once housed all the shirts of the shirty Earl. It now houses the socks of the twelfth Earl who has written a history of this piece of clothing entitled, The Joy of Socks.

The Early Victorian woven seat chair to the right of the bed is made of Papier Mache. It is decorated with mother of pearl and gilded tendrils. The house staff say it’s a b***** to dust! So they don’t.

The little bedside lights are a pair and were found in a junk shop. The man who sold them to the present Countess, thought they were plastic. He was wrong...they are Mercury glass and cut crystal. Silly man!

Please press no further in to the next room but stay this side of the red rope. Thank you.
You are now looking into the En Suite created by the eleventh Earl from a dressing room. It is not yet finished but has a state of the art shower ( in a state ) and a late 19th century Art Nouveau*5 towel rail. It needs some Art Nouveau towels to go on it. This room is a work in progress but there hasn't been much progress.

Leaving the Master bedroom we might enter the Haunted bedroom. Or we might not. Those of a nervous disposition might like to go to the Gift shop instead.

Our ghost is a poltergeist and can throw a real tantrum. It seems this room can never be kept tidy. ;) I will just open the door and see if he is....no no....not a good.... What....?
Well, just a peek then.

 Actually the guest room is the dumping ground for everything at the moment :0

This room was decorated in the eighteenth century in a mixture of pink and blue. The ghost alternates between blue moods and gay pink ones.

On the bed you will see several of the many, many, many 'embuggeries'*6 executed by the second Countess, Obsessiana . She was Spanish and never did get the hang of the English language.
We shall leave this room quietly as the ghost doesn’t like to be disturbed, any more than he is.....

Across the hall we enter the Study. Here is the hub of the Manor. The Apple Mac computers house all the Manor’s files and all the major work of the estate is done here. All blog writing and creating, all fiddling about with paper and fabric.

The chair upon which several successive generations of Newstead behinds have reclined, is one of a pair and is a Regency (c. 1812 ) Lyre back design. The tenth Earl was a tiny man so several cushions had to raise the seat so he could reach the desk. The present incumbents haven’t had the heart to change them. He became incontinent in his later years and was known as the Wee Earl.

The desk upon which the computer resides, is the work of the famous Trompe L’oiel*7 artist, a member of the sinister*8 Irish, branch of the family, Connart Newstead. It mimics an inlaid desk of the early 18th century and is entirely created in paint. It’s varnished with Shellac. The present Earl was heard to say recently “Just shellac...it’s wearing off.”

The study also houses many of the books the Library cannot hold. They are divided in to sections. Horticulture, which is the passion of the present Earl, History, the passion of the present Countess and Tripe, which is the passion of the dog.

Here we will also find many exceptional trompe l’oiel works of art, again by Connart Newstead - or we would if we could find them. They are so clever we have never actually discovered them. ;)

We think this might be one

And this one too.

Passing the airing cupboard, decorated in a pleasing shade of Marrow and Small's paint -linen, we enter the Mediaeval Bathroom. This is the oldest part of the house and was extensively modernised in 1980..
The walls are hand marbled..thousands of marbles were collected by the mad Shirty Earl - well he did lose his marbles, and these were used on the bathroom walls. The picture frames are empty because the Losing Duke lost the paintings which were in them, owing to a poor hand whilst playing Whist. Of course...all the pictures were by Whistler.

The floor is planking from the decking of the Golden Hind, Drake’s*9 famous ship. The second Earl served with him on his circumnavigation of Brackley Lake. The walls are tiled with tiles of a mediaeval design, rescued from the abbey and the pelmet was made with pages from an illuminated manuscript which used to grace the library, until the Shirty Earl decided to tear it up as being obscene, in the mid 19th c. ( Queen Victoria has a lot to answer for ).

You can see some of the pages referred to, if you stand on your head, hook your feet over the basin and peer up into the recesses of the window, on good day, when the moon is....
What? Too dark?
Ah well.

You want to see them now?
Oh well alright then.

The chest is made up of pieces of torn up manuscript too. These were recovered from the old Abbey which stood on this spot before the Reformation. The present house was built by the First Lord, Shifty Newstead and the land and abbey was given to him by Henry Vlll for services rendered. < wink wink>.

This chest shows the Seasons of the Year and what Mediaeval peasants had to do in each  ( oh dear! ) and the signs of the Zodiac. Upon the lid is a fine rendering of the Estate’s mediaeval pigs...Tamworths. Once known as Brackloons, these pigs were stolen by the First Lord Tamworth and renamed. They never grew quite as fat in that part of the Midlands.


On the wall is an early pair of Jack in the Green plaques in terracotta. These stare at you as you lie in the bath and their eyes are said to follow you around the room. Many generations of Newsteads have attested to the efficacy of these two as items of fertility. Lady Emulsion, wife of the fourth Earl “spent a very long time upon her toilette” ( quote from Celia Fiennes*10 diary - she too stayed here in the very early 18th century and is said to have commented upon the fienne garden.) Lady Emulsion had 16 children, you will recall.

More disturbing are the corbels in the ceiling. Rescued from York Cathedral and destruction at the Reformation. These two faces leer at you when you are sitting at your ease, prompting the legend of the disappearing loo paper. Well, you’d laugh too.

 These two hide dents in the ceiling where lights have been removed...really

The toilet seat was once wood, but owing to some strange Mediaeval quirk, changed overnight to blue. Some stately homes have their screaming skulls or their ghostly opening doors. Newstead Manor has The Blue Loo.

The gift shop is reached as you descend the stairs and the toilets ( should you be in need after your visit to the leering Mediaeval bathroom), is located just off the Grand Hall. This room too, is worthy of note. The Ninth Earl spent quite a long time in Northern climes, on his Not So Grand Tour, ( the estate was broke by then ), eventually settling in Sweden, where loos were holes in the ground. When he returned he brought a few items with him....amongst them a collection of painted Dala Horses*11 and a really lovely tea towel. He made sure that never again would he have to squat.

The French Mirror in this room is green. It wasn’t painted so, it just goes green with the damp. ;)

The Ninth Earl had the window pelmet made by the visiting Swedish artisan, Carl Larsson,*12 whom he had invited to Newstead Manor and who became so famous in his own country at the end of the 19th century. This item is probably one of the most unusual in the whole house. Shan’t tell you why. Meet me behind the Yew hedge in the parterre*13 in five minutes with a fiver in your hand and I’ll show you why.

The tea towel...... the real picture

Thank you Ladies and Gentlemen, for your company on this guided tour. Please leave by the back door where you may visit the tea room and spend lots of money. May I add that we do not re-use our tea leaves.... more than twice.

We hope you have enjoyed your trip around our beautiful and historic home.
Please come again. You may nip round the front and come in again...but please remember to pay for your ticket.
And bring your friends and even more money with you next time!
:)
Explanations
*1. Uffington - a big hill in Berkshire with a chalk horse. Beautiful but deadly. It's said that if you stand on the eye, turn around three times and fix your eye on Uffington church spire and make a wish...it will come true. It did for the 10th Countess. ;)
*2. Toile de Jouy is a fabric invented in the 18th century. It's full of people doing rural things. But not those things. No.
*3 A Priest hole is a cunningly hidden small space made in the fabric of a building to hide Roman Catholics in the 16th and 17th centuries. Some of them are still there. What did you think it was?
*4 Parian ware is unglazed white porcelain. It's very expensive and we wonder why because it's less laborious to make. Much like a lot of modern art I suppose.
*5 Art Nouveau. A type of curly art popular at the end of the 19th century. It appears everywhere on mirrors, fabric, wood carving and on towel rails.
*6 Embuggeries. Embroideries if course. But it's such a good word we had to type it twice.
*7 Trompe L'oiel- the art of deception. It's there but it isn't there. It's flat but not really. Hard to explain.
*8 Sinister - just means left handed. The female branch. But in this case... it means what you think.
*9 Sir Francis Drake was the first "Hello sailor" to circumcise the world in his little ship The Golden Hind in the 16th century.
*10 Celia Fiennes was a 17th century diarist and traveller. If she didn't stay there...it wasn't worth noting. Most places weren't.
*11 Dala Horses are little stylised painted horses from the Dalarna region of Sweden. You can buy them in the gift shop. No need to steal ours.
*12 Carl Larsson. Famous 19/20th century artist and prolific parent. He painted all his children and his wife several times, but no amount of thinners could get it off. :)
*13 Parterre. A little garden divided up into little parts by paths and small hedges. Give me the fiver now (or you'll never find your way out ! )

The Stately Homes of England, we proudly represent.....

 Continued FOR PART ONE CLICK here
"Thank you ladies and gentlemen, if you would kindly walk this way - <ahem> no, no, this way....

We now pass into the Blue Dining Room. Here we see an unusual 80 inch circumference Italian burr walnut dining table brought back from the Grand Tour by the seventh Earl. He rolled it all the way...hence the scratches. It’s central pedestal resembles a crocodile head and is a fact that is used to frighten the estate children.

The chairs are Edwardian and have hand worked tapestry seats. Shams are used to protect the delicate work. Remember, this is a family home, not just a Stately one ;) Or of course- a complete sham.

Upon this table resides a mid 19th century inlaid tray with brass edge ( very handy for braining burglars ) and several fine pieces of silverware, ( very handy for luring in said burglars.)

At the West end of the Dining room lies the Library. Here are very many fine and educating books. Lady Newstead has read every one, some twice. She is a very educated lady. And modest. :)

Upon the library shelves can also be seen more examples of the family Mercury glass ( T.K. Maxx dynasty*1) and a 19th century Tantalus*2 in Coromandel wood. This has three beautifully cut decanters which have been empty since the time of the Miserly Earl. He was too mean to even torment his staff with full decanters they couldn’t open! The Miserly Earl loved Mercury glass as it needs no polishing unlike silver and so he could employ less servants to do so.

The beautiful Victorian wire plant stand in the corner of the Library contains plastic plants. Don’t tell anyone. It was recovered from the Glass house which blew down in 1910...well, what do you expect if you makes houses of glass? Now if it had been made of plastic.......

The 17th century Dutch dummy board by the window is known as Alys. She is a copy of one that is in the collection of Wilberforce House on Humberside and Lady Newstead’s favourite dummy board. She was painted to prevent Lady Newstead from mounting an all out assault on Wilberforce House and stealing said historical dummy board. The twelfth Earl just managed to foil the ‘plot’ by acquiring some photos for Lady Newstead to paint from...and a piece of mdf from Wickes.

On the Library wall you will see two early ( the architect was an insomniac ), architects drawings. These were commissioned by the *3Anglian Earl who wanted to ‘improve’ the frontage of the house in a very Classical way. Sadly he died before the project could get underway and his son was the mad Shirty Earl. ( see part one ) This is probably where the phrase...” what do you think you can get that for - shirt buttons...?” came from. ( See part one ).

Returning to the Blue Dining Room you will notice a very fine example of Lorenzo Booth’s*4 work. This burr walnut sewing box is complete with its original early 19th century interior wallpaper lining and the colours of the wood inlay on the inside lid, remain as fresh today as the day it was made in about 1840 - See ! -The Antiques Roadshow*5 is right. No light means, still bright!

The inside of the sewing table has a beautifully pierced bottom.
Now now!

Upon this sits a fine example of a re-figured oil lamp from the 19th century. The enamel flower painting on the brass base is exquisite and the present Lady Newstead was going to steal this from the antique shop, if her husband had not bought it for her 50th birthday.

Above the sewing table is a beautiful mid nineteenth century Gilt second Empire Clock with Sevres panels. This chimes the hour and the half hour and is nearly always kept five minutes slow to commemorate the late arrival of the eighth Earl at the Battle of Balaclava. Sadly he was wearing a bobble hat.

The little Limoges lidded pots are 18th century chocolate pots..not made of chocolate you understand, but to contain drinking chocolate, at a time when it was very expensive and you needed to protect your breakfast.*6

In the opposite corner of the Dining Room is a late Georgian ( 1790 ) Burr Walnut fall front desk, known as Bertie. Don’t ask. This was handed down from the time of the Illiterate Earl, the sixth Lord Newstead of Brackley. It is in perfect condition because - it was never used...he being illiterate. It is used however, in modern times, to complete the estate accounts, write begging letters and fix the lotttery.

The inside is particularly fine being *venerealed ( another printing error in the guide book - ) throughout in burr walnut which is unusual as the insides were often of plainer wood. It is thought that the Forgetful Earl, one of the sons of number seven,( he can't quite remember), paid the maker twice for the same item, after his Father's death. He got his money's worth. No ...this was not the Miserly Earl. His brother, the Lazy Earl, commissioned and sat upon the corner chair ( c. 1800 and made in Elm ) and died at an early age, of a square bottom.

On this bureau sits a beautiful example of a late Georgian inlaid tea caddy*7, ( 1790 ) complete with its lead lining and crystal mixing bowl. Lead?...hmmm...more poisoning.

We now pass into the servants quarters ( or would be if we had any ) and the kitchen. The present Earl likes cooking. Good job as Lady Newstead hates it. Having no cook, they would starve if the Earl didn’t do the food shopping and the cooking. The estate has shares in Waitrose.

If you look up at the window, you will see a lambrequin*8 made in Anna French fabric - Bird in the Bush. Lady Newstead made this piece with her own fair hand...just so she could show off the fact that she knows what a lambrequin is. ;)

‘The bird in the bush’ is the family motto. It stems from the days of the Wars of the Roses*9 when the Newstead family sided with the Yorkist cause, simply because they liked white roses better than red ones. Red ones, you see, would not go with the kitchen’s pale violet walls and the blue and white accessories, many of which can be seen lining the cupboard tops. The fine collection of Delft *10 was acquired by the Colourblind Countess, wife of Earl number three, who thought she was paying for one of those pretty new fangled dinner services from China. ( The collection of Delft cost as much as one of these in those days ). The family motto refers to an incident when the third Earl was found, by his wife, cavorting with a servant girl in the kitchen garden behind the gooseberry bushes. The price for her to keep quiet was the Delft.

‘A bird in the bush is worth several in yer Gooseberry’ engraved around the blue kitchen kickboards, is beautifully reflected in the black marble of the floor and was sufficient to keep the Earl in line for the rest of his life.. The sixth Earl was the result of this union. He was known as the Bastard Earl...obviously.
The correct motto is, "A bird in the bush is worth two in your hand". Think about it. :)

                                                More beautiful Delft....this time not blue

Now we ascend the Jacobean Staircase. Above the staircase is the collection of the Miserly Earl’s one legged decoy birds. He was too mean to buy the two legged variety.

Lady Aviana, a friend of Georgiana Duchess of Devonshire in the 18th century*11 ( have you noticed how they all end in ana.... maybe they missed off the l?) and wife of the sixth Earl, was a big bird - collector. She acquired many of the avian art examples around the house. Not wanting to be outdone by her husband, she commissioned the decoy ducks. Just to spoil the symmetry.

I will leave you here. Please note the excellent pictures in the Short Gallery as you ascend. It won't take long.

An upstairs guide will be with you in a moment. I'm only a downstairs guide. Humph! Upstairs, Downstairs...it's all the same to me.
Do please mind the dog's bones as you step up. She will leave them on the stairs.They often trip up our unwary guests. In this abode, they're known as relics. The bones...not the guests.....Don't worry if you break your neck; dead guests are interred with all due care and attention, in the mausoleum*12 on the estate. Where do you think the dog gets her bones?"

Explanation
*1  T.K. Maxx is a cheap shop.... not cheap and nasty but cheap and "I can really do without this?".
*2 A Tantalus is a wooden box which houses liquor in decanters which are locked in. They are visible to one's household staff but not available. Hence it's tantalising...named after a poor Greek chap who was immersed in a pool of water, forever, which, when he dipped his head to drink, receded every time.
*3 There is a famous double glazing company called Anglian Windows, Home improvement, don't ya know.
*4 Lorenzo Booth was a 19th century furniture maker whose signature was a barley twist form. The sewing box can be identified as his work from this. Either that or someone was having us on.
*5 Inlaid work remains colourful if light doesn't get to it. A fact which the Antiques Roadshow ( a T.V. Programme ) goes in for in a big way.
*6 The lids were actually there to keep the choccy warm. Them old houses were cold. Brrrr
*7 Tea was a very expensive commodity and so had to be locked away from the servants. The Mistress of the house would blend her own to taste, in the crystal bowl. The dregs would be scattered on the carpets and be swept up, thereby collecting the dust. Nowadays - the tea is re-used in cheap tea bags, of course, after use on the carpets.
*8 Lambrequin a flat material covered pelmet which extends down the sides of the windows. See...you knew that didn't you?
*9 The Wars of the Roses was fought between two rival families The Yorkists and The Lancastrians, in the 15th century. It was all about who was going to be King and so eat all the chocolates. They took two different colours of roses as their emblem....the one with the hazelnut in and the sticky toffee one. { sorry couldn't resist this reference to an English box of choccies ;) }
*10 Delft. This has practically become a word for China, which has become a word for crockery. In the 17th century Delft blue and white was horrendously expensive. It still is.
*11 The Duchess from the film about Chatsworth. She was a bit of a one.
*12 A Mausoleum - is a building specially built to house dead people. Rather like the Houses of Parliament. It's named after an ancient King of what is now Turkey, Mausolus who was the first to build himself such a nice little pad.

* Should read veneered but in this family no one ever got veneered.